Suicide is . . .

Very few people go through life without thinking of suicide at least once. I had more than one flippant conversation when I was in my early 20's about the subject. The focus wasn't the dull pain of life and the need to end a meaningless existence. It was about the most thrilling means to that end. My friend John had selected a high speed motorcycle to propel him off the rim of the inner gorge of the Grand Canyon at Toroweep as his choice. After my first visit to that spectacular site I understood the draw it had. My knees nearly buckled at the sheer drop and mind-boggling beauty of the place. The view from the middle of the canyon looking back and up at the ledge would be one you would remember for the rest of your life. Right.

I attempted to find a similar testosterone-fueled demise for myself. After quite a bit of consideration I settled on a trip to the far north where I could seat myself on the very lip of a melting and calving glacier. There I would sit and wait for that piece of ice to metamorph from the leading edge of a long tongue of ice to a free-floating iceberg. The choice of time would rest on the ice and I would eventually tumble with tons of brilliant blue ice into oblivion, my body a frozen meal for whatever critters would find it. It seemed good for the time and still would work, re-written as an action scene in a blockbuster movie, but no longer seems the best for me.

I have yet to find the pathos needed to bring my worldly existence to a premature end. Still the hopeless Pollyanna I look for rainbows in the rooms of dying people and wait for the first crocus of spring like a child waits for Christmas morning. Some people with a more realistic grasp on the nature of the world look at me with pity. Others just don't address the issues fearing cross-contamination would make them incapable of making sound, adult decisions. I respect that and would like to experience the hopelessness and futility that creates a well-rounded adult. So far I've only dipped my toe in that dark pool and find it's cold and not very inviting for the lightweight spirit I claim as my own.

I've tried once again to think of the best means of taking my life. Hell, I just turned 60 years old and feel at times like I'm still a kid, not knowing what the world expects of me. So I listened to the darkest music I could find and drank whiskey as I set about deciding how I would bring this life to an unnatural end. The music was classical stuff by Malher and before long it was Wagner and then Beethoven. From there it went to Bach and finally to Gilbert and Sullivan. It wasn't working as I was soon singing along with the Major General in “The Pirates of Penzance.” The whiskey got me thinking of sharing drinks while camping or playing card with friends or while watching a good game on the tube. It just wasn't working.

While driving this morning the DJ played the theme music from M.A.S.H., “Suicide is Painless”, a wonderful song by Johnny Mandel, I think. I was re-inspired and finally came up with some options for this stage of my life.

Suicide by Patience: I'll wait here for death to come and fetch me.
Suicide by Grandchildren: When they have had enough of me being silly or realize that money can come in a truck rather than in dollops, I'll move on.
Suicide by Talk Radio: When Sean Hannity is President and Glenn Beck is V.P. I'll lay my head under the free-market bus and be done with it.
Suicide by Clean Basement: By the time I've gotten it cleaned up and ready to finish it into organized storage, guest rooms, bath and recreation rooms, I'll let them deliver a load of sheetrock on top of my chest. Or maybe I'll be so startled by the vast space that now needs to be attended to that I'll die rather than engage in another lengthy enterprise that illustrates the lack of balance between my expectations and my skills.
Suicide by Regulation: So afraid that they will be caught by their own people for the exaggerations over the Health Care bills, the Republicans will amend the bill with a real death panel that focuses on old Democrats exclusively, thus killing more than two birds with one stone.

A unique travel opportunity presents itself.

Greetings fellow traveler,
Like so many others you have probably put off the kind of travel we offer for any number of reasons. Cost, Official Restrictions, concern over the technology and Lack of meaningful opportunities all come to mind and I'm sure you have others. We share your frustration, but I believe we have come up with an option that will have you off on the adventure of a lifetime.
First let me clear up the technology issue. Our company is staffed with some of the finest programmers in time travel research. We have attracted former government service employees who bring with them a broad knowledge of the cutting edge of this environment. Added to researchers who have been with our company from the very beginning and Adventure Time Travel Associates (ATTA) becomes the most respected name in the business. We have a safety record that is second to none, including Government, Universities and Private contractors around the globe.
Official Restrictions have been a source of frustration for many of us. We all remember the cost, complexity and emotional burden we shared with the Lincoln and Kennedy Re-Assassination projects. And the recent indictments of misguided time travelers that resulted from the dot com and housing investment bubbles prove that we can't be too careful about how we interact with the past. We have a solution in mind that we believe will bring you back to time travel.
These restrictions have also created that lack of meaningful opportunities. Currently trained professionals continue to visit and record many of the critical moments in history. Those recordings are a boon to researchers and are critical to our understanding of our shared past. Many of these events could be altered if we were to send even one casual visitor. If that is your ideal trip, there are many less critical moments open and we may be able to accommodate you. However, this note is something very different and equally exciting.
You are in this mailing because of your interest in the outdoors, adventure and this particular part of our world. For nearly 100,000 years there were very large freshwater lakes in western North America. The largest of these Pleistocene lakes were Missoula and Bonneville. Imagine the Little Cottonwood glacier calving off icebergs into Bonneville, or the great floods from Lake Missoula carving the Channeled Scablands. And while we can't guarantee a Mastodon or a Saber-toothed Cat sighting on the shores of one of these lakes, our success rate has been nearly 90%.
With limited opportunities to change history during this type of travel, Official Restrictions are reduced in number and complexity. The large time window and extensive geography available create offerings are nearly limitless. This flexibility simplifies the complex time placement calculations and power demands thereby reducing our costs. How much? Two weeks are less expensive than a “Weightless Week” in orbit and much less than the popular Disco and Spa weekend at Tranquility Base. And those trips are fully booked well in advance as I write this letter.
While this may be an “Adventure” trip, it won't be lacking in amenities. Each of our vessels is prepared to sail for the full two weeks offering everything from gourmet meals and on-board spa, to fully equipped primitive camp experiences on isolated islands in northeastern Nevada or overland trips to see the mighty Virgin River carving Zion Canyon. Your budget and interests are our concern and within our program. Call today and be ready to go tomorrow.